David has an incredible ability to tease out the nuances in human experience, which adds a richness to my life. I particularly love the way he describes the ‘shadows’ that lie beneath every meaningful experience. One could argue that this focus on the darker elements of life is intense, depressing or negative but I find exactly the opposite. His reflections leave me upbeat and better equipped to face up to whatever life has in store.
Doubt is natural, acceptance generates confidence
So often in life I find myself held back by my own self-doubt. I have written about self-doubt before, as it pertains to my self confidence, but this characteristic is not limited to the self. I can doubt elements of my relationships with other people and my motivation for actions, for example. If I am not careful, these doubts can be a real hindrance, causing procrastination, distraction and lack of commitment.
I have developed numerous techniques to prevent the negative consequences of self doubt. One of these is the mere recognition that doubt is part of life. David’s ability to describe the variations and undulations in life’s important relationships with their inevitable doubtful dips makes me feel more human, respect the person I am and the condition in which I find myself. Admitting where I am and gives me power to choose where I want to go and how I want to think, allowing me to act with confidence.
Here is a quote from the book,
People can feel abducted, kidnapped and trapped by relationships which is something we have to learn to live with. The necessary self-examination will either give us a good realistic foundation for the marriage to come or bring us to our senses and allow us to escape from the misery that lies ahead.
Commit to the beautiful conversation with life
The 3 marriages are:
- the typical marriage to a loved one,
- the marriage to ones work (a vocation) and
- the marriage to ones self.
In this sense a ‘marriage’ in any essential long-term relationship that is of daily importance. All these relationships do not really have an end goal. The ‘goals’ are long-term satisfaction, contentment, and a canvas from which to wholeheartedly experience what life has to offer. You do not get to a point where you are ‘done’ in any of these relationships. You might achieve certain relationship goals but rarely can you sit back and say ‘brilliant’, I can tick the box on that relationship, career, or conversation with the self. All these relationships will take work until we take our last breath, consistently undulating, providing us eternal joy, and sorrow. We can change strategy, slow things down, take a different route but at the end of the day we must smile, head towards the horizon and surrender to the uncertainty.
David often talks about partaking in the ‘beautiful conversation’, which is a wonderful way in which to think about deepening our relationship with life. Viewing work, love and the self through this lens allows one to see them differently and, hopefully, progress. It also allows us to use knowledge from one context in another.
Love & work require sparks and grind
For example, the lens of love was a valuable way through which to think about work. A spark of thrill and excitement is a prerequisite in any work, but just like with a love relationship, with the need for dates and dancing, there is also the need to engineer that spark with work, rediscovering the initial attraction. At other times one has to appreciate the need to grind, have a good nights sleep and try again tomorrow, which is an essential commitment in a love relationship because you cannot expect every day to be rainbows and unicorns.
Not knowing is most intimate
When one is partaking in the beautiful conversation, trying to deepen, there are times when one can feel stuck, not sure where to go next. ‘How do I solve this argument with my spouse?’ ‘What project am I going to apply myself to next?’ ‘What do I really want out of life?’ Here are a few powerful passages on being stuck, straight from the book.
Rilke asks us not to try and get around the feeling of stuckness itself but to see it is having as much right to a place in our life as other free-flowing accomplishments. Rather than a barrier see it as the necessary next step. He asks us to go right into the exile and sense of banal itself, as if our malady is not the visitation of loss itself but the inability to feel it fully.
Our ability to know what we want is first of all often marked by an early and profound experience of its very absence.
One way to come to love it to do without it for a long, long time.
As many of our religious traditions remind us, not feeling quite ourselves is actually the normal human condition.
An ancient abiding dynamic of human existence is the ability of something, once fully admitted to being to change, and to change into quite often the opposite. (This is how I feel about doubt)
Not knowing what to do, we start to pay real attention. For those who are truly lost, their life depends on paying real attention. If you think know where you are, you stop paying attention.
I find that embracing ‘stuckness’ and the unknown is particularly difficult.
It reminds me the Zen Koan, “not knowing is most intimate” which has been helpful for me.
After all, who knows what this new day will bring.
To learn, share, or teach?
As we break through the not-knowing and find a way, we may feel compelled to share and maybe even teach the knowledge that we have learned. But has we share and teach, it is very easy to think, “what right do I have to teach?” or “what do I really know?” After all, I was lost mere moments before. But sharing and teaching are part of the learning experience. And, in sharing we realise how much more there is to know. So sharing and teaching are integral parts of the process.
The difficult questions are, when should I learn?, when should I share? and when should I teach? David argues that if we are partaking in the beautiful conversation then we never really have the choice. We are always both student and teacher. We just keep heading towards that horizon, ever deepening in whatever direction is appropriate in the given moment.
Openness and vulnerability required
If we boil it down, one of life’s greatest undertakings is to figure out what is really important and how to prioritise one’s time between the various important activities. I enjoyed this section on life’s most precious undertakings, encapsulated by this Shakespeare quote,
But weep to have, that without fears to lose.
All the most precious things in human life are the very things to which we find it most difficult to make ourselves vulnerable and open. To feel a joy in life is also to know it is fleeting and will pass beyond our grasp. It is super challenging to bring this openness and vulnerability to each moment but it’s worth the effort.
Wishing you more openness and vulnerability in your beautiful conversation with life.
Sound Money 